November 30th: Day 22 get a close up on this one

All afternoon long I kept thinking to myself "wow! first time in months that I feel like I can see through my acne".

I'm seeing a person peering through the mirror back at me.

On Oprah a few years ago they brought this movie star good looks kinda young girl on.

Blonde, blue eyes, thin, silky hair, the whole nine,right..

Picture Tiger Woods Sweedish model wife.

When she looked in the mirror or saw her reflection in a spoon she flipped shit.

Thought she looked like a monster.

I believe her. I totally get it. Now, for me, I actually have looked like a hot mess for a while now.

Red blotches, bleeding, inflamed skin. It just looked raw.

I have a lot going for me.

Runners body, bright blue doe eyes, little feet (yes, that's a perk to me), great hair, impossibly great teeth, dimples, the ability to brag on myself.

I'm also a helluva nice person.

BUT when you have one condition, one 'problem', something that shows on the outside that feels like it can take away all your other great superficial qualities, that's just an awful feeling.

Don't put me on the couch. I get that these are not the things that make up a person.

I get it. Got it. Wrote the book.

Live tv today went without a hitch. No makeup touchups between live shots- one at 5, one at 5:30.

I used to have to cake myself in loose powder to keep from shining like a mylar balloon.

Now I don't even need to bring a compact.

Well, Okay, I do anyway just to make sure I don't have chicken wings in my teeth after I shove them in my mouth during one of those ''mmm..these are good'' live moments.

You know the ones.

Don't know how they've mastered the art of a bite and a chat simultaneously on those perky a.m. shows.

Maybe one day I'll get to ask Matt and Meredith myself.

I'm finding myself shoving more food in my mouth as of late. Not terrified of the terrifying zoom in pimple face shot.

I ain't perfect, but I can eat a chicken wing on live tv if I want to. And damnit, I should be able to.

Day 21: November 29th Report Card Day

Closing week 3 of my Accutane Adventure.

And closing it with a holiday trip filled with caffeine and alcohol has me feeling a bit inflamed right now. My skin that is.

So excited to be going back to Scottsdale, AZ to see family with some better looking skin, only to get there and face a vaca-full of intense peeling. INTENSE. Only when I've had a chemical peel in the past has it peeled so much.

From humid here to dry as a bone there. For me dry's the best kind of weather, for my skin it was straight pee-oh'd. That's how us t-v news folk write script. Not PO'd. Say it out loud with me now, pee-oh'd.

Come to think of it, I should do those pronouncers with more inappropriate works.

eff-d.

Anyway, my skin was a mix of pee-oh'd and eff-d. Not hot red though, and that was a huge improvement for me.

For the first time in months I'm not embarrassed to be caught without makeup.

I went black friday shopping (a little passion of mine) and didn't even bother to bring a makeup bag for touch ups.

Don't get me wrong, my lower cheeks and chin are still what could only be considered a hot mess.

And then today I didn't put a stitch of makeup on, no foundation, no concealer, no nothing, and I went out in public.

AND I made eye contact and struck up a conversation about vegetable steaming bags with the clerk at Kroger.

By struck up a conversation I really mean answered in a complete sentence while maintaining eye contact.

Clerk "Do there Vegetable steaming bags work well?"

Me "Yeah, I think so, my husband uses them a lot."

Impressive, huh.

I can feel my attitude about my skin really changing. Its not on my mind every millisecond of every day

Day 16: November 23rd Masking

I'm clay masking- it cools off my skin and keeps it from becoming over oily. It has been a blessing of thing to find.

But unlike before, now my accutane sucks the moisture and oil out of my skin.

Y'know those pictures of the sahara desert, where the earth is cracking because there's no enough moisture to bind it together.

Now picture that on my lower face.

I guess as I'm sitting here with this cool, tingly drying mask on, I'm realizing I should've opted for a milky moisturizer instead.

Especially since my skin was dry as a dog's bone again tonight.

I've been super moisturizing, and using a lovely self-tanning oil-free moisturizer to try to look bronzed and gorg.

I've been lookin' a little pasty on camera lately- as pointed out by my boss- politely.

Why is it that Nicole Kidman can look pale and milky and she's gorgeous. When I stay out of the sun I look green on camera. seriously, green.

I did feel good today though, for the 1st time in a LONG, LONG time I wasn't self conscious about my skin when the camera was on me.

That's a weight off my shoulders.

Day 15: November 23rd a lower jawline scab

My day was so long I'm this close to eating brie cheese in bed.

Instead, I'm juggling it on a jewelry box on my hand-me-down computer desk.

Enough about brie.

The Texans took on the Tennessee Titans, which for me basically means a lot of face time with rowdy fans and a team of rowdy male coworkers.

Please god don't let a drunk fan say "hey, there's something wrong with your face".

That something wrong is that it was peeling off like a snakeskin.

I didn't notice it until we were already en route to the stadium.

And just my luck, I cleaned out my makeup bag over the weekend and selectively removed the emergency moisturizer I was keeping on hand.

"Haven't started peeling yet, don't think I'll need this one", and out of the bag it went.

Cut to just 1 day later and I'm an amphibian. On tv. Cute.

Day 14 : November 22nd Picture This!

I've officially punched out on week 2 of Claravis- the generic to Accutane.

And it's picture day!

Today I went for a run, and for the first time in weeks didn't feel stinging, burning, raw skin as I started to sweat.

It used to just burn. Today it was completely calm.

I do have a few stops around my lower jaw- near my mouth on each side of my face.

A couple of white heads have popped up.

Before I was on accutane that would cause a chain reaction of redness, swelling, and volatile skin.

Now it's as simple as a whitehead. It's here, and soon it'll be gone without leaving a catastrophic skin eruption in it's path.

Using Neutrogena foaming cleanser, ground up sulfur spot treatment, and what's left of my tube of Duac topical.

Note to self: Ask for a new prescription.

Whether this is a good day, a good week, or the start of me never having to worry about constant acne face ever again, it feels good for once to be able to look in the mirror.

And it feels good to think that people that I see out aren't focusing in on my bad skin.

And it feels good to not have to obsessively worry during a breakout that I'm screwed for at least another week until it cools off.

Picture this: I'm thinking for once about how great my skin will look in six months, not how troubled I feel about it looking bad for the last 4 years.

Day 13 : November 21 Stay at Home Zit Day

Almost at the two week point of my accutane treatment.

I'm on a relatively low dose; 20mg 2 times per day.

During the past couple of days I've really felt like my skin is changing.

I can't describe what it is exactly, it just feels easier to manage. Also when I touch it it feels a bit numb. Not in a bad way. Just numb.

Before I was on accutane if i touched it I basically felt the transfer of oils(in my head), and I swear to god I could feel a pimple sprout right then and there.

Now it's not a battlefield at the surface of my skin, it's just peaceful.

I don't think about it every second. I don't worry about covering up blemishes constantly.

Though I still have a couple that are healing up nicely.

This morning my husband commented on how different my skin is starting to look.

A lot of the redness is fading, and it's just not as ripe anymore.

Today I even indulged a little, and stopped at a MAC counter at the mall. This is huge.

I had to smile for the camera Thursday. We had a photo shoot for work. Fun, flirty, energetic!

I had three little pimples on one side of my face. Thanks be to airbrushing.

I know how it feels to be on camera for 1 minute with a pussy pop-up pimple.

Now after my photo op I'm imagining a model or actor having to be their best on camera with a huge zit.

Still photography, that's easy! Just airbrush it out.

I actually look for skin flaws when I'm at the movies. And if you're really vigillant (and obviously sick because you can't think of anything better to do with your time) you'll spot a blemish. But it's rare. Then it's gone in the next scene.

Do they send you home ? A stay at home zit day? And if so, I need in on that!

Day 10: November 18th breakout from red hot to cooling

Today I think (and hope) Accutane is to thank for my initial breakout finally cooling off.

My acne flare-ups are so predictable when I'm not on Accutane.

Even if I'm on antibiotics.

Here's a little glimpse into the last 3 years of my life fighting acne.

Let's pretend it's Sunday. Sunday I have 'perfect' skin.

No big pimples, none of the Horizon. Life is good.

And by Sunday night I've even convinced myself to put a little moisturizer on.

"Go ahead, self! Give it a try! Your skin looks so good, it definitely won't break out because of this".

I've also convinced myself it's okay to

A. take a sip of caffeine

and

B. maybe even a sip of alcohol before the night is through.

Those are all things I've previously convinced myself initiate a breakout.

By Tuesday it's breakout city.

Was it the alcohol, the caffeine, the bad karma for even thinking that I had a moment to relax?

I'm a believer in karma. I also think if you say something out loud you could jinx it.

By typing these words right now I may very well end up with a breakout, and I have a photo shoot tomorrow.

Oh, yes. Another opportunity to put my pimple prone mug out there for the world to see.

Hope they airbrush. That's very Hollywood of me.

Day 9: November 17th Get a close up on that one!

Day 9 feelin' fine.

Except for the parts of my skin that have dried into little round circles around my healing blemishes.

That then produces a foundation colored scab and begins to cake off of my skin while I'm trying to keep it covered up at work and on tv.

Today another reminder that unlike someone with a desk job who could shy away from human contact during an acne flare-up, I am not so lucky.

Obviously I want to shout out that I have it the hardest! (I'm actually smarter than this, EVERYONE with acne has it the hardest).

But I'm having a little 'woe is me' fit right now, so I'm sticking to it.

I'm expected to be full of life, and perfectly perfect while on tv- meanwhile I look like I belong behind the lens not in front of it.

That's not fair, actually. We have so many photographers that are good lookin', and surprise! none of them have lumply red bumps on their face.

I could write in detail about another tv taste test on our 5 o'clock news.

"Hey annie acne, take a sip of this" pipes the winemaker I was interviewing.

Cue the zoom in on my acne inflamed skin.

Aware that I look like a peeling, polka dotted reptile, my photographer avoids a tight zoom, and I'm pretty sure he even blurred the focus.

Thank god for great photographers!

Day 8: November 16th Playmates don't have acne

Day 8 and I'm battling dryness, and chapped (but not hurting) lips.

I'm also spitting out a little bit of a loopy, slurred speech.

That last thing may or may not have to do with my Accutane.

On tv today viewers first saw me smiling and paling around with a bar manager at a Happy Hour segement we do.

I'm supposed to show off the drinks & bytes.

In a perfect world that would mean me sinking my teeth into something- camera zooms in a bit to show the bite.

In my world I don't want to take a bite because that will draw viewer's attention to my mouth- and that is the most breakout-prone, nasty part of my face.

Nasty's a harsh word. It's not like I've got puss pockets popping out along my lower cheeks and jawline.

On second thought, that's exactly what I have.

My next shot at proving to be likeable through advertsity (acne) was my 9 o'clock live shot about a Playboy casting call.

As I edited the story with women in their bras and panties, and one with a very impressive American flag bikini (we are in a Southern state, afterall) I found myself closely examining their faces (of all things).

Can I spot a blemish? Any little breakout?

1 chickie had a small breakout on her chin. Completely coverable by makeup.

Well at least she's covering something.

Day 7 : November 15th Say Cheese

Say Cheese, it's picture day for Annie Acne!

With a flakey scalp, ever-peeling lips, a couple massive zits (I mean MASSIVE) in places I don't normally get them, I've now closed the books on week 1.

I can tell you now my skin has officially realized it's in fight mode. And hell if it doesn't put up a good one.

This is all to be expected.

Everyone who's in the Accutane know, either because they've been on an Accutane Adventure or because they monitor them, says your skin will flare up and break out when you start the meds.

Taadaaa!

I've never been so excited for picture day in my life! It's defenitely a little weird that I'm super psyched to show the world my week 1 progress (or regress) as it may be, but I am proud!

2 Months ago I was doting my face with concealer praying that no one at work, watching me work on their tv set, or at the GAP for that matter, noticed I had blemish, now I'm lettin' it all hang out.

Note the 2 pimples on my forehead. I haven't had one on my forehead since I was, I dunno, 16?

Also notable, my scalp is basically flaking off before my eyes. Fascinating.

Got a great tip from an old friend today, Jenny, who was on Accutane a few years back.

Use neutrogena foaming face wash, carry a tube of aquafor around with me for my lips, and soak up cetaphill moisturizer.

I'm on it.

Willing to take advice from anyone who had the routine down pat.

It's a relief that that routine only involves 3 ingredients.

Anyone who suffers from acne knows without Accutane it can be more like 5-10 steps each morning and night to hopefully achieve the clear skin we're after.

We're in such a daily grind aren't we?

Wake up- wash with 'x' cleanser, use 'x' toner, apply 'x' and 'y' and maybe even 'z' pimple creams, ointments, etc...then apply 'x' moisturizer.

Take 'x' antibiotics (the flavor of the month) 2 times daily.

p.s they probably won't work anyway.

For me they weren't strong enough, and after being on them for almost 2 years straight they certainly weren't a shocker to my system.

Any throwing off the balance like putting on too much of 'x' and not enough of 'x' throws your skin into pimple palooza.

Here was my routine:

Alternate my cleansers each month.

Either blue jar of clearasil that tingles like menthol, or this great organic one from Whole Foods, or any kind of neutrogena.

Use a clay mask 3-4 times per week.

Use Origins rice face scrub 3 times per week.

In the a.m.

Wash my face before a run

Wash my face after a run

Tone with Proactiv (no, it doesn't work for me, but it sure did for Jessica Simpson)

Put on Duac (topical to treat breakouts)

Put on makeup

Nights in bed were spent holding 3 tubes of prescription topicals after a good wash.

Put on the RetinA, wait for it to dry COMPLETELY.

Put on the Duac, wait for it to dry COMPLETELY.

Put on the Finacea, wait for it to dry COMPLETELY.

I'd wake up COMPLETELY sticky and greasy.

Day 6 : November 14 bring on the breakouts

Almost done with WEEK 1 and I'm having random painful little nagging breakouts all along my jawline and chin- same as usual.

I'm REALLY starting to peel. My lips are getting even more chapped.

All to be expected according to the Accutane Alum.

I also have a random pimple surprise on my forehead which NEVER happens for me.

After years of researching my personal acne causers I know my hormones (or more appropriately, lack there of) cause me to break out just along my lower face/and jaw.

Lower jawline breakouts can be associated with too much testosterone.

Makes sense.

Up until the last couple of months (exceptionally sad months- 3 pets died of random illnesses) I haven't cried for at least 2 years.

Before that you could conclude that I'm either a total badass OR I am lacking some of the estrogen that keeps us women on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster.

There are many hormonal issues I deal with (or lack there of)- which I'm completely sure have everything to do with my adult acne.

I haven't had a period in 3 years.

TMI? probably.

Surprise! That's about the same time Annie Acne's skin went from glossy and gorg to pimply and nodular; not 'tubular!', but lumply, bumpy, and shrek-like.

Day 5: Oh, what the hell

My right side of my face has a pulse. Oh what the hell.

One thing I can't wait to leave in annie acne's past life : the pain that comes with a breakout.

Swelling, tenderness. When the pimple hurts you know it will be days until it's healed.

Days, possible additional little breakouts near the source breakout, if you're lucky that will include whiteheads that are too unsightly to cover with foundation.

So your choice becomes:

a. pop it therefore leaving that spot raw and red- and punching your one way ticket to scarring- or so my derm tells me

b. ignore it, and let that big 'ole whitehead shine on through your makeup.

Both lovely options.

The Accutane IS starting to kick in. I can tell because my lips are chapping, and before the peeling sets in, they're sort of swollen.

Accutane and I are in our honeymoon phase.

The mild lip swelling is a side effect I don't mind . Nobody ever complained about Angie's gorgeous pout.

Of course Angie doesn't have an acne face. I (for now) do.

Come to think of it.. there are a few differences between us.

Not the least of which I'm not supporting a small international soccer team.

Day 4 : November 11th

Dear Diary,

my skin sucks.

I know this NOT because I looked in the mirror today (which I avoided at all costs, except to cake on my makeup for work).

Instead, I caught a close-up of my face on camera when we were shooting at an event today.
Hairy Scary.
Then I had to take that pie face video and put it on TV for our 9 o'clock news.

That's quite possibly the worst part about my job.
When I'm having a bad skin day (360 days a year) I have to put my friendly face on camera.
There are no sick days for annie acne.

The left side of my face is great. The right side looks like a Pizza Hut meat lovers special.
I was told there would be a flare-up before things got better.

Does it come with a side of breadsticks?

Day 3 Annie Acne's Accutane Adventure : Nov 10

Day 3 and I'm feelin' good.

Interviewed Twilight Castmembers today.

Score.

Only had one big pimple on the side of my face.

Undetectable in my snap shot with the guys.

It was right where I always get them, lower cheek upper jaw near my mouth.

It really is amazing that I don't have deep scarring all around my jaw and lower cheeks.

Mark that as something to be thankful for.

Looking at the movie stars I saw clear skin ahead.

Not one tiny bump, scar, or blackhead.

Guess that's why they get paid the big bucks. (and yes, I do look for those things, I get green over people with A+ skin, I quietly empathize with people who have it like me).

One change I'm already starting to notice with my new Accutane scrip, a bit of a flare up doesn't mean a pimple that comes with a pulse.

My Overnight Cure

By Monday morning I'd convinced myself I was already in the clear.

Accutane (I'm told) isn't an overnight fix.

I have 4 years as an acne warrior under my belt.

I'm an educated woman.

Yet just over 30 hours into treatment I'm ready to declare victory.

My small victory really is that I'm not yet feeling these alleged side effects.

I do feel a little goofy about an hour after I take a pill- maybe a bit drowsy- but I'm also just coming off a 4 day work trip that packed 20 hour days and overnights at the Travelodge.

At home, when my face hits the pillow at night it can mean a nasty red and blotchy breakout if the pillow is dirty.

I wonder what my volatile skin's ready to unleash for me after a cheeky sleep on a Travelodge pillow.

Day 1 - We've Got a Lot of Work To Do People

November 8 : Day 1 on Accutane (gulp)

Make sure to get my best side.

Feeling good, excited, ready to get this on!

Oddly liberating to strip down and share my dirty little secret.

Beautiful, vibrant TV news reporter by day, Annie Acne pimple warrior by night.

I'm having a cape custom made.

2 years ago it was tears after each Dermatologist appointment.

Now I'm proud to be able to share this experience with anyone else fighting the same fight.

Got my backpack full of my generic brand Accutane scrip from the Pharmacist.

Looked more like he was packing me a carryon than a pack of pills.

Take 1 pill 2 times a day. Do not suck on or chew on the pills. Well there goes that plan.

I felt like I was conducting a science experiment downing my first one.

In my brain: "How will I feel? I hope there are no side effects? I think I'm getting a headache. Not possible you just swallowed the pill 2 minutes ago. You're fine. This will be fine. I think I'm nauseous".

Great. 5 minutes in and I've already convinced myself that like everything else I've tried (proactive, chinese healers, holy water, sheeps blood, etc.) this isn't gonna work.

It is. It will. So what the hell, I'll be a bit wack for 6 months. I've been a bit wack for 24 years.

The Best Laid Plans

What's that saying again, "If you want to make God laugh tell him your plans"?

3 days after I was set to begin Accutane I found myself alone, with a dead blackberry, in a hotel room far from home. Pill-less. And 2 days off my daily dose of antibiotics .

Instead of trying my new prescription on for size I was deciding between washing my face with water or a paper wrapped bar of soap with a cartoon bear on the wrapper.
Will it make me break out? Unclear.

3 days of work for me would have me:
A. More stressed than I've been in months
B. on TV doing live shots for other stations in other big cities- LA, Sacramento, and Dallas.
C. on a diet consisting mostly soda and a Pizza Hut delivery.

This isn't exactly the equation for skin-so-good it belongs in an Aveeno ad.

Work took me straight from the station to Killean Texas on assignment.
4 Hours NorthWest of Houston.

News broke there, so off I went. No time to plan my acne regiment for the next 3 days let alone how I was gonna score a clean pair of underpants.

Waiting Waiting

Journal Entry #3 (Nov 5) : 1st day of treatment (in theory)

I'm impatient anyway. So, having me wait until someone on the other side of town plugs in some information on their computer (at their leisure) is making me a bit anxious.

The Government regulation is tight for this drug. They use an online program called IPledge.

You pledge to be on your best drug induced behavior.

Each 30 days (not before, and not after *unless your 30 days falls on the weekend then immediately after) you have to take a test, then get counseling, then the doctor tells the government that you're now allowed to have your prescription filled.

Why, Thank you!

Then the clock starts. You have 24 hours to fill that prescription or it's null and void and you have to start from square 1.

Maybe the skitzo depressive side effects from the drug are actually induced by the sheer panic of making sure you're not making a misstep.

Will I check my iPledge (IPledge not to get pregnant, jump off a building) Accutane program status every 10 minutes: yes. In fact, I pledge to.

Last Day Before Accutane

Journal Entry #2 : Last day before Accutane begins

Every day I run, every bite of food I take, every stress I encounter I ask myself this:

"Is this causing my acne?"

Do I have food allergies, does exercise make me break out. Questioning everything you do is enough to make yourself crazy and I'm certain, hard to live with (just ask my husband).

Over the past 4 years I've tried to remedy each one of these ideas I've come up with.

Just in case it's food allergies I dropped foods with a high glycemic index- caffeine, alcohol, carbs, sugars... I've been off soda for basically 2 years. In case you're wondering, it hasn't helped.

Add this to the list of things that haven't helped: a bowl of halloween candy near my desk at work.

I've seen Chinese healers.

The treatment there was unique to say the least.

First was a round of accupuncture where they would poke me with tiny needles to 'get the hot air out'.

Whatever that means.

When they poke those little buggers into your hands between your thumb and index finger you want to jump out the Chinese healers window.

As I go through this 1 dose a day oral treatment I'm about to start I'm sure I'll think back fondly on all my acne trials.

I'll remember the blind faith I put in a woman as she lit a dozen glass balls on fire then suction cupped them to my back to suck the toxins out. Yes, there are pictures...(hot,right?)

My Skin Will Not Define Me

For years I've agonized over this.

Should I or shouldn't I open up about this private struggle?

On TV I am an open book. I'm honest, and committed to showing the real me.

But was I ready for this? Ready to disclose my dirty little secret?

You've now seen my picture, my scarring left from years of failed acne treatments.

Turns out not everyone that works on tv is perfect.

For years I've covered my face with layers of makeup hoping that no one watching at home would detect my secret.

2 years as a News Anchor in Virginia- each morning I'd roll into work at 3:30 a.m. and hope to god that no one saw me before it was time to put my tv face on.

No eye contact. That was the best way to make sure no one tried to chat me up.

Now living in Houston, and onto tv job #2 what started as random break outs has progressed into a permanent facial deformity.

This has been confirmed by my dermatologist.

The first time I asked if it would leave scarring and heard a 'yes', I left the Doctors office in tears.

This is not me. This only began at age 20. This is not the way I picture myself when I close my eyes.

After years of battling adult acne I'm ready to break free of the shame, and take you along with me on my journey.

Thursday I start the government regulated drug, Accutane.

There are side effects that can be serious, the least of which intense drying of the skin, lips, etc... that should be fun to try to cover up on tv!

The worst of it: depression, birth defects, brain swelling, suicidal thoughts.

A girl I met (younger than me) at the blood lab the other day joked with me "I can be suicidal for 3 months as long as I have clear skin".

It's like she read my mind.

We both looked at eachother without makeup on, and had an honest connection.

She knew where I was, she's been through the lows, the social withdrawls.

Acne sufferers are a team. We do the same online research, search for our own cures, frequent the same doctors.

We should all hold a mini medical degree on the topic.

Yet, many of us still are not healing.

I'm opening up about this and taking you on my journey to commit myself to staying positive. Things will change, this new medication will bring the healing I've been looking for.

Can I inspire you along the road? We're in this together. .

This is unconventional. I'm supposed to convince you that I am flawless.

That the woman you see on tv each day is carefree, and beautiful around the clock.

NOT!

Journal Entry #1

2 days from starting Accutane: Hopeful, happy, inspired, and I'm ready for my cure.

Front desk lady at Dermatologist made appointment for the wrong day so I have to wait until Thursday until I officially fill my prescription. Everything else is a-okay!

Good levels on on all blood work.

Inspired that my Dermatologist had an onset of adult acne around the same age and she looks great.

She insists that Accutane will change my life. I sure hope so.

After the Dermatologist, a trip through Starbuck's Drive-through for a coffee- no makeup on, no eye contact.

Then I had to run into the grocery store for garlic powder and beef broth for Pot Roast.

Self Checkout- no eye contact- no problem.

I never make it a habit of leaving the house without makeup. Too embarrassing.